Of bickering, beating and buttering

This post is inspired by an episode on the new favourite show (not mine) on T.V. - Satyameva Jayate. This episode entered the dark silent world of domestic violence. Wives narrated incidents of their husbands beating them and how they suffered through it in silence. 

The organizers of the show also spoke to men by stopping them at the street side and asking them whether they beat their wives. And not surprisingly all of them said yes. The reasons were pretty much the same - from not being served tea, not listening to the husbands and also “not doing some work!” 

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Here one of them said “Haan mein apne biwi ko maarta hoon! Baat nai sunegi toh aur kya karunga? Maarne ke baad mein usko mana bhi leta hoon!"

The translation is – “Yes! I beat my wife. What else am I supposed to do when she doesn’t listen to me? And after I beat her I make her understand and win her over!”

And this sentence is the reason behind this post!

A husband beats his wife is what we all know, have debated, discussed and condemned too. But what about the part where the wife “calms down” after her husband beats her?

People fight. Couples fight and bicker at little things. But does that mean a husband can beat his wife after a fight? And after that he “butters her up” and she goes back to being the loving wife. 

Who is at fault here?

The wife who calms down and doesn’t raise her voice against him? Why doesn’t she leave him if threatening, reasoning with him doesn’t work? 
Or is the husband whose at fault? The husband who beats her – wins her over – beats her again!

Then a little voice in my head said “It’s not that easy and you know it!” I made it go into a corner and asked it to shut up.

I do know breaking up a marriage is not as easy as writing this post. It involves a lot of thinking about the future, the consequences, the financial situation, children (if any). And in India, where most parents refuse to take care of their daughters once she is married because according to them she is now “pati ka dhan ” (husband’s property), it becomes a lonely war.

But then the little voice again whispered - "is talking/loving/cooking/smiling for the man who beat you easy??!" Is it not more difficult for a person to be nice to somebody who has hurt them? We all know how difficult it is to even talk to the ex boyfriend or girlfriend who left us. Then imagine how it would be to wake up and serve tea with a smile to the same man who gave you a black eye the night before?

One more thing what got me angry was the way all the men answered the question of “Do you beat your wife?” They all said ‘yes’ as if they were nodding their head to “Do you pee every day?” One man even gave out his ‘monthly’ quota of wife beating which apparently is 3-4 times. I wonder how the wife of the said husband felt when she heard the answer. Did she do a mental calculation and find the answer was wrong? Or did she just feel happy that her husband was on T.V?! May be both.

Or did she sit down and think?

Think about whether she wants to live with a man who is very proud to declare to the world how many times he beats his wife. A husband who makes his wife seem like a fool by saying that after beating her, he “calms her down!” A man who I am sure will continue to raise his hand, even after he sees the stories of other abused women on the very show he featured in.

This post may not answer any questions which are being posed since ages, or question the answers found. It was just the anger I felt at those men and all the men who beat women. And the anger at the woman who gives in to the love her husband showers upon her and forgives him.

I wonder when this saga of bickering, beating and buttering will stop. If it ever will....